How to find happiness, even without a fairytale childhood. — North River Acupuncture

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Brunnie Maldonado Getchell

How to Find Happiness,

Even Without a Fairytale Childhood.

...And the family spent as much time together as they could, supporting one another, apologizing to each other when needed, and respecting each other’s differences. They lived happily ever after, with each member growing individually, while the family continued to bond 'til the end of time… WAIT! What? Really ???

For some, the early years can be a comforting source of loving memories, but for most, maybe the memories aren’t all so comforting. If you’re like most people, your childhood may have looked more like the TV reality show, “Survivor”! You know, where you find yourself in the wilderness doing your best to deal with the obstacles and challenges placed before you until eventually you make it off the island, exhausted and weary. Phew! You survived...a little bruised, but you survived. Next stop...the island of “Adulthood”, that has a whole different set of challenges. But not to worry. You’ve accumulated healthy life skills from childhood, right? Well…..maybe. WHERE ARE THOSE DANG LIFE SKILLS?

These life skills are usually stuffed and hidden in heavy “emotional suitcases” that you carried around with you. You know...the bags that might be labeled, “SHAME”, “HURT”, “ANGER”, “ABANDONMENT”, “ABUSE”... And now that you’re an “adult”, there are more expectations. You’re doing your best, but life somehow is exhausting, and often times, memories of "Survivor Island" sabotage your best efforts to feel good. How do I know this about you? I was there myself.

While I always knew that my childhood was certainly not a storybook Fairy Tale, I didn’t realize the vast amount of unhealthy coping skills I had collected over time on the island, the Bronx, until I walked into my college campus guidance counselor’s office as an 18 year old Freshman. Though college was about a hundred miles away, I dragged my “baggage” along for comfort. It went everywhere with me. I started packing this emotional suitcase (which felt more like a huge trunk) back in apartment 3G (a tiny apartment in a 13 floor project tenement housing complex near the Bronx River Zoo.) I was sure that my counselor must have noticed how slumped my shoulders were from the weight of this “trunk” and how awkwardly I walked into his office without looking up at him. (Think QuasiModo-femalePuerto Rican.) What a hot mess I was!

You see, in Apt.3G, I had witnessed years of domestic violence and alcoholism, endured the disadvantages of significant poverty and suffered from what seemed like a lifetime of emotional neglect.

In my guidance counselor’s office, I tearfully, for the first time, began to let someone see my childhood secrets that were stuffed in that big old trunk. I was so ashamed to admit that we decorated a regular household potted plant at Christmas because we didn’t have enough money for a tree or sometimes even presents. Flashbacks of fear hit me when I shared how at 9 years old, I would hide in my tiny bedroom, hands pressed to my ears, as I tried to block out the piercing obscenities and high pitched yelling coming from my parents’ arguments, that often turned very physical and violent. With each fight, my sisters and I had to decide whether to intervene, or let them work it out on their own (neither decision was ever good). Not only were the fights between my parents explosive, but my mother’s form of discipline was sometimes out of control.

There was a time when her temper nearly put my older sister in the hospital due to a severe beating with a kitchen skillet. I heard my sister begging my mother to stop as I stood there watching, frozen with fear, trying to decide who I was going to save...my sister or myself. My counselor asked me to pause...but I told him no...there was more. I needed to empty out this trunk. School was no picnic either.

In middle school I was bullied and teased because of my Puerto Rican heritage. “Yo...Taco Bender” “Hey...Spic!” I never quite understood why they called me Taco Bender since that’s a Mexican racial slur and I was Puerto Rican, but maybe they didn’t know the difference. (Humor became a survival skill.) So, I pretended I was German. I was lighter skinned than my family and my first name, Brunhilda (which was really supposed to be Brunilda - a story for another time) sounded German, so I went with it. (Creative lying became another survival skill) If only Jennifer Lopez was famous back then...she made Puerto Ricans “cool” because we could “keep it real on the block”. So there I was. Sobbing and whimpering in the counselor’s office after I had decided to finally unlock and empty out that trunk of misery and sorrow that I had kept hidden about my childhood years.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

I had fallen off the wall and was cracked wide open. And after all that...here’s what my counselor said after my emotional purge…. “Now what???” Two words. That was it. That was his brilliant response to my complete and utterly vulnerable meltdown and confession? To look at me calmly and say, “Now what?” Seriously?! Where was the “I’m so proud of you for surviving that.” “You poor thing.” “I can understand.” “Wow, it’s not fair what you went through.” I got none of that. none. zilch. nada. I got, “Now what?”

Fast forward - a few decades later: 3 beautiful children, a Master’s Degree in Counseling and Education and a successful 25 year career as a School Counselor. His two simple words made a difference. I can now understand how they make so much sense. Revealing and acknowledging your painful inner childhood wounds is a huge and courageous first step toward any kind of personal growth and healing but I knew there was more work I had to do. Ugh!!! It would have been so much easier for someone else to have done this work for me. I knew it meant “change” and “soul searching”. Wasn’t sure how many boxes of tissues I would need to invest in. So while talking and venting about my past pain allowed me to “see” and “feel” my sorrows which was very therapeutic, I now know that staying in this phase for too long wasn’t enough. You run the risk of staying stuck and trapped in the past...trapped in the toughest parts of your childhood. The very place you’ve already identified as so painful. You hold yourself emotionally hostage and imprisoned with no chance for parole.

If you’re like me, who had a list of endless childhood grudges and could often hear yourself say “it’s all in the past and it doesn’t matter anymore”, you might just be blocking any room and opportunity for you to experience more happiness in the present. The dangers of burying old painful childhood memories may include the following: ~feelings of loneliness, even with people around. ~feelings of emptiness, like something is missing, but you’re not sure what ~having a series of failed relationships and heartbreak ~trying to fill a void with excessive use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex ~mood swings, frequent outbursts of anger ~Spending a lifetime never quite satisfied or content, no matter what you do. Can you relate to any of these? These can stem from your beliefs, perceptions and choices being driven by your childhood wounds. And no amount of “faking being happy” will change things. Take heart...there’s hope.

My life today is simple and abundant; I feel supported and loved by so many but especially by my biggest fan: Me. I did my inner work, reflecting, forgiving and letting go. I softened some of the hard edges of life in the Bronx and, consequently, have been able to experience life in a kinder more gentle way. The first words I say when I wake up in the morning are “thank you”, which are also the same two words I say before bed. I am grateful for how my childhood helped me build a happier life. So how do YOU even begin to work on your childhood drama so it doesn’t continually haunt you in the present? For me, it was like trying to untangle Christmas lights that were not wrapped up neatly after they were taken out of the box…everything seemed so entangled. It certainly doesn’t happen overnight. It can be challenging. There may be times when you want to just give up and blame others for your unhappiness. But it’s absolutely doable. I’m living proof.

How can you fully love yourself when you're not quite sure if you're lovable?” Here’s what I learned along the way that helped me unpack my “trunk” so that I could turn my thoughts,my beliefs and life perspective around:

1. Happiness is in my own hands.

I chose to believe that regardless of what life challenges I had in my past, I deserved a happier life. I realized I had to be my own cheerleader. I was the only one who was accountable for my choices and behavior. I began to understand that I was ultimately responsible for my own happiness and that continually dwelling on negative thoughts and experiences from my childhood and using it as an excuse was just keeping me small and in a place of lack. I couldn’t grow up if I continually lived in the world of my wounded inner child.

2. There’s good in my heart.

When you make a decision to be even a little happier, you begin to find things about you that are lovable. You begin to find and appreciate your strengths and talents and start to shift emotionally. Your energy level increases and you might begin to invest more time, like I did, in yourself.

“ For me, it was like a chain reaction. Since my mind was becoming less toxic with negative thoughts, I began to develop a need for a healthier lifestyle and began spending more time taking care of me...and actually loving me.

3. My mind is strong.

As I started to enjoy more “me time”, I began taking walks “just to think”, which led to a natural interest in meditation and spiritual awareness. Before I knew it, I was interested in the whole mind-body-spirit connection. My rekindled love affair with ME helped me step into a life where I could thrive and not just survive.

4. The real key is the “F” Word… Forgiveness

“What??? You want me to FORGIVE the people in my childhood who hurt me?” The answer is “yes”, only if you want to be free from your past, and feel happier in the present. If you’re like most people, you’ve probably compared your family to others (and if you’re reading this, you’ve probably felt that yours fell short somehow.)

Expectations of what we think our parents should have been like are often at the root of our hurt and disappointment. What I learned as I traveled on this long journey of self-awareness, is that maybe we all do the best we can with what we’ve got. Maybe it’s as simple as that. I learned that everyone’s “best” is different. Forgiveness is about letting go of the grudges and bitterness you might be carrying around with you so that you can live more freely. For some, forgiving someone may result in the ending of a relationship, especially if the wrongful behavior was dangerous, inappropriate or destructive. For others, the act of forgiveness may allow you to continue your relationships and interact with them in your best loving way possible. When you can stop holding on to old grievances from your past,you can begin to create a life for yourself that is truly yours. As Maya Angelou says: “You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better you did better.”

5. My life is created by my vows.

In my determination to lead a happier life, I needed intentions, principles, and rules to live by on a daily basis that could help me stay focused on this lifetime goal. I began thinking about vows, and agreements that I could make with myself that could help me stay on course and be my foundation for the life I wanted to create. The list of my positive affirmations and inspirational quotes began to grow as I did. I sought out numerous books, sacred texts and poems by authors who were committed to personal growth and healing. I created lists of sayings and put them on post it notes everywhere in the house so that I could be reminded daily that Life was Good and that I was excited to be a part of it.

Here are a few of my favorites: I am more than any pain that ever happens to me I will always be my best friend and cheerleader I believe that in every hardship, there is a lesson to be learned...once that lesson is learned, it’s time to move on I choose to love well. My heart and soul have much to tell me….I just have to listen I have faith that there is a Universe out there that is greater than I can ever imagine and somehow it knows who I am...therefore, I am never alone Laugh...Laugh...Laugh

...And so the family didn’t spend as much time together as they could have...they didn’t support or apologize to each other as much as they could have….and there were some very dark moments that made life difficult for this family…. But each family member did their best. Now What??

If you’d like to explore how you can heal your childhood wounds or other wounds from your past, you can reach me at gbrunnie@gmail.com

North River Acupuncture

80 Washington Street, Suite F33
Norwell, MA 02061

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